Let's be honest. Raven is the cats' meow. Really, she's got the bod, the brains, and the personality. #Package
I automatically thought of her charming whit and sarcastic banter when I came up with the idea of: How To Get a Boyfriend. Then she sent it to me last night annnnnnd I died. It may have been the bottle of wine and the few beers that I had... but that's besides the point.
Here she is Miss Raven. One of my All time FAVES and good friend. I cannot wait to meet this beautiful mamma in a few weeks. yeah... it's happening. Now, I introduce you to Raven. Please Please Please leave feedback. We are DYING to know what you think :).
When Sabrina first asked me to write a guest post about "how to land a man," I was all, "ppssshh, girl please. That's like second nature to me. I got this." But then I starting thinking about my past and realized that in 30 years, I've only had like, two real boyfriends. One of those I ended up marrying, and as much as I wish I could lead by example on how to get a man to marry you, I wouldn't suggest that you Do what I did. Serious.
I automatically thought of her charming whit and sarcastic banter when I came up with the idea of: How To Get a Boyfriend. Then she sent it to me last night annnnnnd I died. It may have been the bottle of wine and the few beers that I had... but that's besides the point.
Here she is Miss Raven. One of my All time FAVES and good friend. I cannot wait to meet this beautiful mamma in a few weeks. yeah... it's happening. Now, I introduce you to Raven. Please Please Please leave feedback. We are DYING to know what you think :).
When Sabrina first asked me to write a guest post about "how to land a man," I was all, "ppssshh, girl please. That's like second nature to me. I got this." But then I starting thinking about my past and realized that in 30 years, I've only had like, two real boyfriends. One of those I ended up marrying, and as much as I wish I could lead by example on how to get a man to marry you, I wouldn't suggest that you Do what I did. Serious.
So instead of telling ya'll what to do to land a man, which I clearly have limited knowledge in, I thought I would tell ya'll what to do to KEEP a man once you got him, which I clearly have a lot of knowledge in. Ten years, two kids and 812 bottles of vodka under my belt, to be exact. (Hey, don't judge. If you divide the number of bottles by the number of days we've been together, then I'm totally in the safe zone.)
Number One: Feed him.
Make him a damn sandwich. And don't make him ask twice.
Number Two: Have sex with him.
Whenever he demands.
Number Three: Don't bitch.
Ever.
In the words of Carrie Bradshaw from Sex in the City, every girl seems to want this:
Don't fool yourselves little pretties. Your good looks and daddy's money is not enough to keep a man.
So girls, what did we learn?
Feed 'em, f#@k 'em and shut up.
You're welcome.
57 comments:
bahahahahaha
I am SOOO glad that feed him only goes as far as making a sandwich... because that is within my capabilities.
I bet doing all this stuff is harder than it sounds. Fitting in all that sex while taking care of two kids? wowzers
I listen to a "man pannel" discussion on the talk radio show I had on yesterday that was actually kind of informative... maybe I'll share that.
CarissaExplainsItAll
I swear on my life I just left you a comment.
What the heck.
ANYWAY. This is classic! I love this post so much. No wonder why DDHP has a major blog crush on Raven! Bahahaha. He's really gonna love this post today. No doubt.
AND I love this series already Sabrina! Way to start it out with a bang! :) Muah!
I really think it's true that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach...seriously. If I didn't cook for my husband...frequently...I'd be trouble! Raven, you crack my shit up! I love this! :) Thanks for the refresher!
I agree with all of the above. Haha. It really is that simple:)
DYING. For real. THIS is why I love Raven.
Now someone tell me how to land a man because I think I have the sandwich and sex thing on lock....just no man to provide such things for.
omgosh
im literally dying here at work. DY-ING...feed him fuck him and shut up...LOL OMG!
this is a perfect post and a great start to this series hahah
btw i am insanely jealous of your meet-up WAH!
xoxo
Haha! LOVE IT! This makes me smile, because it is SO true! :) What a great way to start of your new series!
I am snorting from laughing so hard at this shit.. hahahahahahaha
GO RAVEN!
Omg. Hilarious. Feed him, f*% hin, and shut up. My husband is going to be so happy to hear what I learned in online school today.
This is amazeballs! Raven is Hilarious!!!
OMG. This may be the funniest thing I've ever read... and actually pretty true. :) hahahahaha
Omg Raven you are the bestest ever!!! I just died reading your post while in a traing, thanks alot!!!!! Sad thing is you are soooo true, mean are so easy.
Love your blog!
Xoxo
LMAO - just another reason why i heart this girl...she's sooo darn honest and real! i have to say she's right! i'm lovin' this series already, Sabrina! ;)
bahahahaha reason 124674324 i love raven
Am I the only one, or did this remind me of what Dave Chappelle said during his "Killing Them Softly" standup?
Anyone else know what I'm talking about?
...Anyone?? Bueller???
Pretty much sums it up! I love Raven!
Ohmylord! I cant stop laughing. However, the two Fs are words to live by. It's the two things a man needs and that is pretty much it. Raven's witt and honesty rocks my world. I just luv her!!!
HAH! This is hysterical - but pretty true and laid out in the most blunt way possible. Raven is a hoot, glad I stumbled here :)
Xo,
E
www.styleactivist.com
Raven is crazy. That is all.
Well Miss Sabrina if this isn't THEE sweetest guest post introduction I have ever received! I think I love you MORE than you love me, yes, I think that's true. And when we have our sleepover????
will probably go down as my favorite day this year. maybe of all time.
because I seriously just LOVE you. ;)
O.M.G. I almost fell out of my desk chair at work laughing at this: "So girls, what did we learn?
Feed 'em, f#@k 'em and shut up." I don't thinkt hat would've reflected well on my excellent behavior in the 1 year and 1 month at my current establishment, my boss might've thought I had a mid morning toddy when I was in "meeting".
Seriously. I loved everything about this. My favorite part was the sandwiches, because thats my specialty. I make a mean sandwich and I make it well.
thank you, Raven! lol
Bahahaha amazing!! Loved this!
A-to-the-men. As someone who's been married for 6+ years, I can vouch for Raven's stellar advice!
HOLY CRAP! This post is seriously fantastic. Like everyone else, I just *almost* fell out of my chair and laughed overly loud while at work. Thank youuuuu for that, Raven!
Sounds like her advice hit the nail on the head!
Sam
http://petitefemmejolie.blogspot.com
Awww you two are both so cute! I love Raven of course and now I love you too :)
Ravens so right... and if you need any of my tips? I'd be glad to guest post!
short and sweet and true.
Now if only I could get a man to do all these things for! I have no problem with these 3 rules and actually I support them!
Raven - you are quite the woman and I ADORE YOU!
believing in laughter
I love her hahah
That is totally the truth though haha
this is so so true. all of it. hahah
All I have to say is... bahahahahahahahhahahahaahahahha this is the greatest post I've ever read. Good advice too!!! Lol!!!! Http://Nicolerenedesign.blogspot.com
It's funny cuz it's true:) Raven you are high-lar-i-ous! and I may or may not have a full on girl crush on you. Jus sayin.
I can vouch for that. It's true.
I just died laughing! This is hilarious but also so true! Love it!
hahahaa omg! The second I saw Raven's name I knew this would be good, but I had no idea it would be THIS GOOD. This is gold. LOVE.
hahahaa omg! The second I saw Raven's name I knew this would be good, but I had no idea it would be THIS GOOD. This is gold. LOVE.
she KILLS me.
hahahahhaha.
Love this! So amazing!
Well said Raven. That about sums it up.
HAHAHHA! just started following Raven and now you too!! this is too funny!
Let's all petition to get Raven her own talk show. :)
hilarious! #2 and #3 i got.....#1 eh...will have to work on that....unless TV dinners count then i got it!
sabs - LOVE this series.
Agreed and agree!!!
i love you raven!!! hahahha
Gosh damn, i love raven!
Haha..one of my best friends told me #2 a couple of years ago. She said sex your husband whenever he wants lol
Hahaha It's so true but funny hearing it said so bluntly.
Melissa
miss-melissa.com
raven just has a gift for words, dontcha think? but true story... i totes agree - the lady speaks the truth! LOL
Ha ha ha...she's an absolute riot! And great tips too!! Will definitely keep 'em in mind! :)
i think feed 'em, f#@k 'em and shut up is the national motto of many muslim states.
Great advice, sweet and to the point that is why we love Raven....no bullshitting ;)
Well Miss. Raven next time you post instructions will you please be more clear I was feeding him and F*&^ing him and now I have a huge effin mess!
sheesh.
I JUST DIED.
best.thing.ever.
and true. so very true.
omg i haven't laughed this hard in a while. i'm so glad my boyfriend doesn't read blogs. he doesn't need any more encouragement ;) and i'm not much of a cook!!
hahahaha, hahaha, hahaha, too freaking funny! love you Raven! :)
I love Anonymous up there ^ She doesn't want to have to shut up for her man, but she can't voice her opinions without being anonymous? Seems like she's oppressing herself ;)
this is so damn brilliant, I don't even know where to start...seems like those 3 things could fix a lot (LOT) in life!!
Kudos!!!
Lauren
http://meandmybeautifulmess.blogspot.com/
Y'all are cute, but Jesus, if the only way I could keep my boyfriend was to slap some ham on some bread, take off my pants, and put duct tape over my mouth, then that would be a pretty shitty relationship. My man can make his own damn sandwich because he is an adult who can take care of himself. We fuck when we feel like it and then we have a nice conversation afterward because we're two well adjusted adults who want to be with each other in spite of sandwiches and sex and bitching.
I don't mean to insult you, I just find this list to be backward. Unless it's satirical or tongue-in-cheek, in which case it's just really badly done.
I guess I would like it more if it was written to people in general. Like, as a guide to both men and women. Though if all my man did to keep a relationship afloat was to throw me a sandwich and then dick me while not speaking, I would drop that fucker like a rock.
My boyfriend and I don't even like sandwiches that much.
That a woman write this, and a bunch of other women thought it was so great is exactly why feminism is so important. How are men like me supposed to take women seriously if you won't take yourselves and the behavior you display, ESPECIALLY in your relationships with men, seriously?
Sandwiches and sex are great, but they're only a small part of a meaningful relationship with an honest, adult woman.
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